Civic Offense
(Here’s the rewrite of the post I lost earlier today)
I was lying awake at 4 am the other morning, listening to some evolutionarily ambitious specie of bird that somehow was sensing the first sparse photons of the sunrise that I would spend the next two hours awaiting, chirping madly in hopes of lascivious egg-sex, or a regurgitated meal or some other inscrutable avian reward.
I was awake because at 2:30 I’d been roused by Mrs. Perils’ swift exit from the bed to investigate some noisome disturbance in the street in front of the house, which found both of us on the front porch in our risible 50-something sleepwear.
This was definitely an unusual level of vigilance, engendered by the fact that some meth-hungry twit had, the previous night, broken into our ‘95 Civic and separated the steering wheel from the steering column in an apparent attempt to steal the car (click photos to enlarge):
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The note taped to the window was penned by our son, who still remembers how to write using pen and paper. And he’s right - it was an incredibly amateurish hack-job of an attempt to heist an eminently heistable car. Just as you don’t want to be the first heart bypass patient of a rookie surgeon, you don’t want to be the first victim of a rookie car thief. I mean, I’ve always been a big supporter of education, and everybody has to learn his trade by practicing it. But, jeez, you’d think these guys would have enough respect for their profession to spend a portion of their two sentient daily hours at the library doing some research in a Chilton’s manual.
Because the front wheels wouldn’t turn, the tow truck guy had to go through some extended maneuvers to get the car onto the truck. On the positive side, it provided an hour’s entertainment for a couple of neighborhood kids, and their parents.
Oh man! ; (
There are a thousand and one stories in the Naked City, and this one may take the cake.
Think he’s a relative of gw? ; (
Vandalism for vandalism’s sake? Probably not. What a loser for so many reasons. Hey, we were in your neighborhood yesterday, I swear, we did not do this! We did see an older Honda with one of those steering wheel locks- the club. Could this have been your car in defensive mode?
my dad swears by ‘the club!’ Ah, it’s the most sinking feeling to see one’s beloved car raped and pillaged. Love your son’s note!
Your son’s note is terrific. My addition would be, “In the interest of protecting you from your own stupidity, we’ve decided to have you euthanized.”
condolences. but what is the white paper? is your car equipped with an adding machine? in the steering wheel?
OK. If you tug really hard on the string, the steering wheel will zip back in. Right?
Dear god, Phil — what an outrage! No wonder you were wide awake at 4Am. What a bummer! Love the kid’s take on it.
Michael - only if he’s a cokehead!
Robin and Taradharma - we’re considering investing in some Clubs, but I’m reading that they’re mostly a visual deterrent, and don’t actually hold up an expert car thief.
John - That’s a great addendum. Maybe we should have a plaque made.
Roger and Kathy - it’s apparently something to do with the airbag. In fact, Mrs. Perils heard somewhere that people steal airbags!
Carroll - I’d probably have been awake anyway.
Cancel the insurance, now!
Brian - Not until they pay the mechanic for the repair. Then, I’ll cancel before the next premium payment comes out of my bank account. I’m all about the Cavemen now.
Al Gore did it to save the planet. why not hook up a couple high voltage coils in series and energize the frame?? shocking indeed…
I didn’t realize that older Hondas had an adding machine in the steering column!